The More things Change......the More they Stay the Same...

I have a very old memory of being about two and watching my mom and dad leave to go out to dinner.  I remember very clearly standing at the sliding glass door (the same door that I would run into a year or so later and nearly break my nose on, but that is another story) and crying my eyes out while watching them walk away.  I remember that my mom kept turning around and waving at me and that my dad kept redirecting her to the car.  I remember them leaving and crying and crying, even though I knew that they would be back.  Today, (some 35 odd years later) that same scene repeated.

I have always had a close relationship with my parents.  Except for those times that I was partying too much (well it wasn't really a party, but you get the picture) and those other times when I was going through the usual sorts  of growing pains.  Our closeness has spanned the physical distance that has been between us for nearly all of my adult life.  One of the benefits of my mom and dad having kids so young is that they are active and spry enough to enjoy their grand kids and to experience an adult relationship with their grown children.  

The physical distance between myself and my parents has never been as big of an issue for me as it is now that I have a child of my own.  Although we all work hard to stay connected (I talk to them on the phone several times a week and send regular pictures of Grayson and updates), it is just not the same as being in close physical proximity.  Although Steve and I have plans to make our way back to Orange County and close to them it is not going to happen right this second for a variety of reasons.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Bay Area and we have a fantastic group of friends here (it would be very, very hard to leave them), but it is also hard not being close to mom and dad and my sisters and nephews.

Mimi and Papa (as all the grandkids call them) drove up on Wednesday to spend a few days with us and it was fabulous!!  Grayson just lit up in their presence and spent several days showing them all of his tricks.  He was quite a charmer!  He received the kind of attention from them that only grandparents can give.  He got their complete and undivided attention and he just reveled in the fact that they found everything about him fascinating!

Having them here was also so good for me.  This has been a really, really tough last couple of months and I guess I didn't even realize how alone I felt in all of this, until they were here for me.  There visit was bittersweet.  I loved every moment of having them here, but I also worried about how sad I was going to be when they left.

This morning when we said goodbye, I just about lost it.  I wanted to be that little girl at the sliding glass door again and to cry and beg them to stay.  I literally wanted to grab onto my mom's pant leg and refuse to let her go (that would have been interesting since she is about five inches shorter then me).  My dad surprised me this morning by noticing how sad I was.  He swooped in for one last hug and told me not to cry.  As they drove away I noticed them both waving out the window until I couldn't see them anymore.  Once again, I knew that they would be back but I just didn't want to let them go.

As Steve and I returned home, I looked into the rear view mirror at my own child and wondered what it was going to be like for him to leave me (and for me to have him leave)!  It was at that moment that I was able  to  feel grateful that my parents raised me to be independent enough to follow my own dreams no matter where they led (or how far from them they landed me).  I was also very grateful for the fact that they instilled in me the belief that they would always come back for me (and they always have).  XOXOXOXO K

We Love You GiGi! (August 3, 1921-May 30, 2009)

Our beloved grandma GiGi passed away this morning.  Today is a very sad day.  Although she had not been herself for quite a while, the loss hurts all the same.  I am very, very grateful for the years and years of happy memories I have but am very sad that Grayson won't ever get the chance to really know his namesake.  

Grayson's due date was August 3rd, the same as GiGi's birthday.  We saw this as a really good sign.  We chose the name Grayson in part because Gray was GiGi's middle name.  It seemed especially befitting since their birthday's were intended to be the same.  As you all know, Grayson didn't make his appearance until August 8, 2008....the triple eights.  Interestingly enough,  GiGi would have been 88 this year.  

Steve, Grayson and I got to spend some time with GiGi during Thanksgiving and Christmas last year.  Although that time marked the start of her rapid decline, I am grateful that we got to be with her, and to tell her that we loved her.  GiGi also got to hold Grayson and experience him smiling up at her.   That memory I will always treasure.

GiGi's final days were spent under the loving care of Mimi (my mom).  Watching my mom care for her own mother during her final days was a constant reminder of how strong the ties that bind us together as family truly are.  Mimi sacrificed a lot to take care of GiGi, but she did so without a second thought and without complaint.  She would not have had it any other way.  I am comforted to know that GiGi left this world under the most caring of circumstances.  She was surrounded by the people who loved her and her final days were a labor of love.

It is on days like today that I question the certainty of my own faith.  I hope that all I believe is true.  I hope that GiGi has gone on to her next adventure and that she is busy catching up with her sister Yvonne and her son Wayne.  I hope that we (the ones left behind) are the only ones who are sad and that she has returned to the full glory of her better days.  I hope that the spring has returned to her step and that she is planning her next little joke to play (like the time she snatched Mimi's purse from the dressing room and hit it from her!)

I have so much more to say, but for now I will leave it at this.  Goodbye GiGi.  We love you and miss you already.  Please watch out for us and help us to remember to treasure every single moment we have with one another.  Remind us to stay complete in our relationships and not to leave any "I love you" unsaid.  I promise to tell Grayson all about you and to never, ever forget the fun we had together.  I promise to show him the poems and songs you wrote for me and to tell him about all our little giggles together.  XOXOXOXOXOXO K

Decoy Baby

                                             Decoy baby at the Battle in Seattle 12/08
                                             Decoy baby jumperooed himself to sleep 05/09

Before Grayson.....lets call it BG, Steve and I would go out and about and do the regular old activitites that married people without  kids do.  We would eat long lunches (while sitting down), go out for fancy  dinners (after 4pm), attend sporting events (showing up just minutes before they started with only our wallets and our keys not eight thousand pieces of baby related equipment).  You get the picture.  We enjoyed our lifestyle and had great times.  As my good old ticker (the biological one) got a tickin,  and Steve and I started to seriously discuss starting a family, we both had some fears about how our lives were likely to change with a kiddo (in reality, we had not a clue!)  While I had some idea about what the whole parenting dealio included (I was a nanny and all), Steve did not.  Initially, he envisoned a demanding, screaming, crying baby that would alter everything forever!!!  I on the other hand wanted to give Steve a little more positive of a view point.  I know, I know, since when did I become Miss Polly Positive???

Enter the Decoy baby........The Decoy baby is a special breed.  Highly rare but oh so appealing.  I think Decoy Baby is probably single handedly responsible for convincing people all over the world that parenthood is a great idea.  The beauty of Decoy baby is that if you look hard enough (through your rose covered glasses of course), you are likely to find him or her in all kinds of places.  For example, you probably have seen Decoy baby at the grocery store sitting in the cart and looking lovingly at her parent pushing her through the aisles.  Decoy baby can also be sighted at the restraunt sleeping contentedly in the baby carrier while mom and dad enjoy a leisurely lunch or dinner (with wine even!)  Our favorite sighting (and the one that got Steve totally on board with the parenting thing) happened at a basketball game.  You see, every year we attend the Battle in Seattle.  We fly to Seattle, watch the Gonzaga Bulldogs play and then hang out with all Steve's college friends.  It is quite fun.  A couple of years ago, we hit paydirt in the Decoy baby sighting department.  We saw the most adorable Decoy baby ever.  He was dolled up in all his Gonzaga gear and bouncing contently with a big toothless grin in the Baby Bjorn.  At that moment, Steve turned to me and smiled.  We both knew it was time to be parents.  We even remarked, see having a baby won't really change our lifestyle.

Now if you have been reading my other posts (and of course you have, right?), you would know that our initial baby order got a little mixed up and that the model of newborn that arrived at the hospital was not of the Decoy baby brand.  However, I am now happy to report that the order has been corrected and that we have our very own little Decoy child.

At this time, Grayson fits the Decoy baby description to a tee.  He is happy all day long with very minor deviations resulting from hunger and fatigue (I am pretty grumpy when I am hungry and tired, so I get it!)  He laughs, he flirts, he looks darn cute and he can entertain himself for a good long time (while I flat iron my hair and paint my toes).  When he has his moments, he has them privately.  These days, it is very rare for him to have any type of non-Decoy babyish behavior in public.  We hear things all the time like, "He is just such a happy baby!" "Does he ever cry?" and "You guys are so lucky!"  In response, (especially to the couples with no kids), we devilishly respond that he is a great baby and that we are very, very lucky.  In those circumstances we often omit the fact that the first four months were HARD,HARD,HARD.

Grayson is now such a good Decoy baby that he has got Steve and I drinking the Kool Aid too.  He is the kind of kiddo that makes us think we should have several more (okay, I think several, Steve thinks one more).  Now, I have lots of friends with two who tell me that if the birth order had been reversed and the second child born first that they never would have had another.  But, that's not going to happen to us, right?

If I have learned anything being a mama thus far it is that things can change in an instant.  One second your  baby will be sleeping through the night and the next you are back to bouncing and rocking and crying it out.  Monday, your baby loves avocados and Tuesday he is pushing them out of his mouth with the force of a small volcano. So in all honestly, I do get that we should not ever, ever, for even one single second take Grayson's Decoy baby status for granted. I should enjoy every moment of this bliss, and I am.  I should also get Steve to sign the paperwork agreeing to try for another child signed and notarized immediately!  Because who knows when Decoy baby is going to decide to leave the building.  XOXOXOXOXOX K

Ordinary Miracles

So the past few days have been really rough.  We've been dealing with daddy's health stuff and various other frustrating matters.  Mama has shed lots of tears.  There have been tears of frustration, anger, sadness, and well, you know, you get the picture.....

In the midst of all this I am struck by all the ordinary miracles that one gets to witness as a mama.  While I was bitching UCSF out on the phone, Grayson was up on all fours rocking back and forth and hurtling himself forward into his first real crawl.  While I was crying out of frustration, Grayson was looking intently at me and making the worlds most delicious sound, a giggle.  As I was begrudgingly folding up laundry and focusing on all the days "problems," Grayson was studying the intricacies of his hands.  

I think that I now truly understand the meaning of bittersweet. There is so much tumultuous stuff going on around me.  There are lots of reasons to feel worried, frustrated, angry and sad. However, there are also many, many moments of pure joy.

I have always had a hard time holding more then one emotion at a time.  I am the kind of person that feels things quickly but intensely.  Having a child is teaching this "old dog" some "new tricks."  I am starting to understand how to stay in the moment, if only for a second.  I am trying to take time to hold onto conflicting emotions simultaneously and to acknowledge that I no longer have the luxury (or punishment) of being able to stay stuck in the negative.  

During times of trouble I have often said that I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up when everything was resolved.  It's like I could deal with the outcomes no matter how tough, but the long process leading up to resolution was just unbearable.  While I never really went to bed for a week or a month or whatever, I did do things to numb out the feelings and I did sometimes walk around in a haze.  Today I realized that if I "went to sleep" until stuff got figured out that when I "woke up," I would have lost time with Gray that could never be recovered.

Today I again realized all that I have to be grateful for.  Today I grew up just a little bit more. Today I figured out that all any of us really ever have is the moment we are in.  Today I made a choice to live in the now and to look no further then my living room for all the ordinary miracles that make up a life.  Tomorrow I may return to my old ways , but today I am living in a State of Gray(son).  XOXOXOXOX

Is it too late to start?

Sometimes I don't start things because I think I have waited too long.  I feel compelled to tell the story from start to end and if I didn't start when I was "supposed to," I don't want to start at all. I am slowly beginning to realize that life is not linear and that maybe the beginning and the end are not so important after all.  I am starting to consider the notion that maybe it is the million and one little mundane middles  that truly make up a life

So here I am starting in a middle.  Grayson is nine and a half months old and this is my first post! Whew, glad that admission is over.  I know, he is a baby for god's sake.   In truth there really isn't anything  all that original or monumental that I failed to chronicle.  He was born, he cried, he ate, he spit up.  I was tired. I felt fat.  I felt unprepared.   I wondered what I had signed up for and if I would ever eat dinner with my husband again.  I wondered why we didn't get another dog and call it good.  In other words, I was busy living the beginning with a newborn.  I am sure you can understand why I failed to also chronicle it in writing!

Let me back up a minute.  Yes, yes, yes, I did feel that burst of insane love and joy when Grayson was first born.  I felt an undeniable connection and was blissfully happy for about 16 hours.  Then the Oxytocin plummeted and I quickly realized that the baby that I ordered (you know the one who breastfeeds every four hours for 10 minutes on each side and then naps and looks cute in his clothes), got somehow switched at birth.  You see, the baby I brought home didn't want to wait for the "milk to drop," didn't like the "slow flow," and wanted to eat about every 50 minutes.  He did not get the memo about napping and seemed to be allergic to every outfit we put on him.  On top of all that, the baby I brought home had the nerve to frown at me on a regular basis. 

Hold on a second (step away from the phone that is on auto dial to Child Protective Services), of course,  I still loved him.  However, liking him during that time was an entirely different matter.  I felt a mess.  I felt completely out of control and totally inept at the mommy thing.  I felt  bad about feeling bad because I had wanted him with all my heart and had gone to great lengths to have him.  Bottom line was that my bad feelings had bad feelings and then some! What I didn't know then and what very few mom's will tell you,  is that all those feelings were totally normal.  (Thank god for my mommy's group....you ladies know who you are.  You saved my sanity and my relationship with my husband and my child!!)

Now that I am thinking I am an old pro and all, I will tell you that with the first baby, there is no concept of time and absolutely no understanding that things eventually change. Personally, I had absolutely no idea that the things I was going through as a first time mommy were  really just tiny little phases, blips on the radar,  and that they would pass (for sure, pinky promise). Let me tell you the relief and elation I experienced, albeit in retrospect when I finally "figured" this out!  Now I understand how moms are so chill with number two and three and in some cases (sorry Octo Mom) eight. Those second timers know "the secret."  They in fact  have already paid their dues in the club of uncertainty and are just biding their time until the rough patch passes.  Now when I see a mama and her two day old baby power shopping at the Macy's everything is always on sale sale (even though you must save those ridiculous and annoying additional 25% off coupons), I flash her a knowing grin as we secretly exchange the members only nods of understanding.....if this too shall pass, it might as well pass in a new pair of shoes that are 25% off of 10% off of the, take an additional 40% off (if you use your ridiculous Macy's card) price. 

Alas, I digressed.  No shock there huh?  I was talking about middles.  My true middle arrived when I  fell in love and in like with Grayson.  This started to happen right around the four month mark. (Read into it whatever you want, but this was also about the time that I switched from exclusively breastfeeding every 50 minutes of every day, to giving the little monkey a bottle).   This is where our story together really begins.  While I don't have a ninja type memory of the moment we fell in love, I do remember several Oprah style "ah ha moments."  There was the time when I was feeding  Grayson on the couch, probably watching Judge Judy (I know, there is no amount of postpartum depression that can justify watching that show) and felt overcome with an intense sense of awe, appreciation and yes, LOVE.  There was the day that I realized that not only had the little bug stopped frowning at me but that he had also started smiling. There was the sound of his first giggle and the feel of his first open mouth kiss.  There was the realization that if I allowed myself a moment to go away, that I would realize that there was nowhere else I would rather be.  Don't worry, I am not going to sum things up by saying,  "And we lived happily ever after, the end."  No way,  instead, I am going to tell you that it was right around that time that I  realized the magnitude of the situation.  Everything just sort of clicked and I knew deep down in my bones that things were going to be even better then okay.  I was struck and even kind of shocked by the realization that he belonged to me and that I belonged to him.  It seemed to hit me that for better and for worse we would always be inextricably linked together as mother and son.  Okay, you are probably like, yah, duh!  I know, it is hard to explain and I don' t think I am doing the experience justice.  Just take it like this, I got it.  I realized that my life as I knew it, was in fact, over, but that our life together, had just begun.

XOXOXOXOXO K