Ordinary Miracles

So the past few days have been really rough.  We've been dealing with daddy's health stuff and various other frustrating matters.  Mama has shed lots of tears.  There have been tears of frustration, anger, sadness, and well, you know, you get the picture.....

In the midst of all this I am struck by all the ordinary miracles that one gets to witness as a mama.  While I was bitching UCSF out on the phone, Grayson was up on all fours rocking back and forth and hurtling himself forward into his first real crawl.  While I was crying out of frustration, Grayson was looking intently at me and making the worlds most delicious sound, a giggle.  As I was begrudgingly folding up laundry and focusing on all the days "problems," Grayson was studying the intricacies of his hands.  

I think that I now truly understand the meaning of bittersweet. There is so much tumultuous stuff going on around me.  There are lots of reasons to feel worried, frustrated, angry and sad. However, there are also many, many moments of pure joy.

I have always had a hard time holding more then one emotion at a time.  I am the kind of person that feels things quickly but intensely.  Having a child is teaching this "old dog" some "new tricks."  I am starting to understand how to stay in the moment, if only for a second.  I am trying to take time to hold onto conflicting emotions simultaneously and to acknowledge that I no longer have the luxury (or punishment) of being able to stay stuck in the negative.  

During times of trouble I have often said that I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up when everything was resolved.  It's like I could deal with the outcomes no matter how tough, but the long process leading up to resolution was just unbearable.  While I never really went to bed for a week or a month or whatever, I did do things to numb out the feelings and I did sometimes walk around in a haze.  Today I realized that if I "went to sleep" until stuff got figured out that when I "woke up," I would have lost time with Gray that could never be recovered.

Today I again realized all that I have to be grateful for.  Today I grew up just a little bit more. Today I figured out that all any of us really ever have is the moment we are in.  Today I made a choice to live in the now and to look no further then my living room for all the ordinary miracles that make up a life.  Tomorrow I may return to my old ways , but today I am living in a State of Gray(son).  XOXOXOXOX